Ask Janalee

Reader Question:
I've been dating my boyfriend for four months, and we’re very compatible. We get along wonderfully, but I feel nervous about telling him, “Yank my hair” when I’m close to climax. It excites me, but I worry he’ll think it’s weird.

I don’t feel safe enough to ask—I don’t want to overwhelm him. I’ve asked other men to pull my hair, usually partners I wasn’t emotionally attached to. Why am I struggling to ask him?

My Advice:

Thank you for sharing such a personal question—it’s brave, and it’s likely to help others feel seen, too.

It’s time to express your desires. Think about the future: what if you wait another four to six months and your relationship deepens? Wouldn’t your boyfriend wish you’d been open earlier? Most partners genuinely want to please each other in the bedroom. Your pleasure matters, and it’s worth communicating.

Fear can keep you from fully enjoying intimacy—and remember, he may have desires he hasn’t shared yet. Imagine how you’d feel if he waited months to tell you something important to him.

You can’t force anyone to try something new, but you can be brave enough to ask. Here’s how:

1. Be honest about your shyness.
   “I’ve been nervous about asking you to try something new…”
    
2. Explain your request clearly.
   “I’d like you to pull my hair at the nape of my neck once I’m near climax. I can show you the right amount of pressure—I want it exciting, not painful.”
    
3. Open the conversation to him, too.
   Ask what he’d like to explore. Let him think it over and revisit the topic in a few days.
    
4. Try it together mindfully.
   Suggest, “Are you ready to try this tonight? I’ll give feedback so we’re on the same page.”
    

Most likely, you’ll wonder why you hesitated. You may discover a new shared pleasure that brings you closer. Sexual openness and curiosity can enhance trust, connection, and excitement in your relationship.